Damn….Damn….DAMN!

Florida Evans reacts to the news that StoneColdStump has been off line for a long time….

Click on Florida to see her reaction.

Mrs. Evans, I promise to be more vigilant.

Eau to Smell Like Cher, or, Is that Electric Youth in Your Pocket or are You Just Glad to See Me?

Lets pretend, for a second, that I am the kind of person who would spend way too much money on trying to smell good. I guess (not that I would know) that this kind of person would spend an inordinate amount of time looking around cologne and perfume counters at department stores. Just this past weekend, I (I mean, “that person”) noticed several new smells at the counter apparently “created” by some of our favorite celebrities.

Lets ponder, shall we, what the perfumes and colognes actually smell like (courtesy of that invaluable resource for the smell-obsessed www.basenotes.net) and then decide what said smells should actually smell like.

First off, lets start off with the big guns “Cher: Uninhibited.” Originally released in 1987, Cher’s perfume is now out of production. On E-Bay, unopened bottles sell for hundereds of dollars a pop.

Sets like the one below featuring some Cherrific ear bobs go for even higher. With this gift set, one can not only smell like an icon, but also defend the sides your neck from stray arrows! Bonus!

What it smells like: Lily, Dried Fruit, Ylang-Ylang

What it should smell like: Collagen, Dried Fruit, Gypsy Sweat, Emulsified Tramps and Thieves

 

Next up, let’s put our noses right up to Paris Hilton. Released in 2006 “Heiress” is the second women’s fragrance in the Paris Hilton odor ouevre. It is actually one of the top five best-selling fragrances in the world today.

 

 

What it smells like: Passion Fruit, Peach, Champagne

What it should smell like: Vodka and KY

Originally produced in 1989, and discontinued soon after, Debbie Gibson burst forth in the fragrance scene with “Electric Youth,” leaving a trail of stinky teens in her wake. Luckily, a few bottles survive in Dollar Stores. The bottle was unique because it contained a pink squiggly thing which apparently broke very easily, leaving literally tens of young, impressionable and olfactorally-challenged girls unamused and unfulfilled.

What it smells like: Grapefruit, Ylang-Ylang

What it should smell like: Future regret, Old tear-stained issues of “Sassy”

 

Finally, for this edition, lets look at one of the newest celebrity scents, “M” by Mariah Carey. Released just last month by Elizabeth Arden, the ad copy states “Composed by Mariah Carey,” and the bottle features her signature symbol, the butterfly. Personally, I would have just made it look like a straitjacket, as we all know she is about 14 kinds of crazy.

 

 

What it smells like: Marshmallows, “Sea Breeze,” Gardenia

What it should smell like: Marshmallows, Lithium, Ambien

 

 

Well, that’s all for today…tune in next week when we discuss several more celebrity smells.

 

 

 

 

Attention All U.S. Americans!

Normally I wouldn’t watch something as lowbrow and tacky as the Miss Teen USA Pageant. And if I did, I certainly wouldn’t mock some poor young contestant for answering a question poorly. We are dealing with young people here…the future!

Of course, if I was the kind of person who would watch and mock such an event, I would have something to say about Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton.

She’s a beauty all right. Nothing to make fun of there. Unfortunately, she made the made the huge tactical error of opening her mouth to speak. I think if she just would have worn a sign around her neck that said “I An Unable to Speak,” she would have totally gotten some sort of sympathy vote and been crowned “The First Mute Miss Teen USA.” Then she could have gone on tour not lecturing to mute youth groups across this great nation.

Unfortunately, Lauren Caitlin Upton did not see the wisdom of my plan, and decided to speak. Please click on the picture below to watch the public speaking train wreck occur…

In case you don’t speak dunceese, someone has thoughtfully added subtitles. Click below if you require the assistance of a trained Imbecile-English translator.

It almost makes me feel for Mario Lopez.

Almost.

I think all U.S. Americans can learn a lesson from Lauren Cailtin Upton even the ones with maps of Asia, Iraq and, such as,  South Africa, because they are the future of South Africa and the, such as, youth.

Thank You!

Drumroll please…

Well thank you avocado pie lovers, shut-ins, Duggar fans, Wing-heads and people who are concerned about the prominent display of their testicles!

Yesterday all of you put us over the top.  Stone Cold Stump reached a milestone 1,000 unique visitors!

Most of all, I would like to thank my dear figment of a son, Clark.  Aretha’s knockers might get the asses in the seats, but my boy Clark keeps ‘em there.

And now in celebration of this occasion, I give you the list of the top five most popular entries on my little corner of the webisphere…

5.  The official chanteuse of SCS, Wing!  It was she who gave us our first 50+ day!

4.  Clark gets in trouble at Hershey Park.  Many people fell upon this one while looking for jobs as security personnel in Hershey, PA

3. The first entry regarding Michelle Duggar and her jillion kids.  The inclusion of the word “Duggar” brought in the religious freaks, while the word “labia” assured the porn traffic.

2. Aretha Franklin’s scary, scary funbags.

and….what you all have been waiting for….the the most popular entry ever….

ITS A TIE (well, one was 5 hits more popular, but they were both astounding)

AVOCADO PIE!  The recipe somehow got picked up by a few other boards and blogs, making it a world-wide hit!  It’s just as green and glisten-y as the first day I saw it!

This entry also marks the first time I was sent negative feedback on a post.  Apparently, someone named “Xtro” from Boston took umbrage at the fact that I mistakenly used the word “puss” instead of “pus.”  I never changed it because it seemed to annoy him so.

And finally, the other most popular entry is….

The Ball Lifter.

Seriously.

I should be ashamed.

But I am not.

Thanks again, and keep watching…

I am Leaving Work Early Today…

I am leaving work early today because all I want to do is smoke.

Seriously.

I am such a Mr. Weeder.

I’m Hungry!!!, or, Does This Ass Make My Pants Look Fat? Chapter Seven

Special Spam-a-riffic, Totally Spam-centric Episode!

Let’s just get this out of the way before I come off like some sort of hypocrite later…

I SERIOUSLY DO LIKE SPAM.

Every once in a while, I like to buy me one of those little cans of SPAM. (Original Recipe, please: none of those Spamcy-fancy “premium” Spams like honey glazed, Bar-B-Que, or Italian Garlic. Especially not that nasty-ass Spam Lite, for those of use who are wanting some Spam, but want to maintain our girlish figures.

Here’s how I like my Spam. Sliced thin and fried up hard like bacon. If I want to get all high falutin’, I melt some Velveeta on it. One or two of you out there may think I am joking, and to both of you I say, “Nope.”

But what should I do if I want more? What is my need for Spam grows? I can’t just eat it all fried up all the time. I need variety. Spice! Excitement! An international flair!

Please keep in mind while reading the following recipes, that these people are serious. In searching for appropriate material here, I came across many people who were mocking the Spam, creating distasteful recipes using the product. I ignored them completely. I wanted to share recipes from people who honestly enjoy the glistening meat cube

First let’s head to Italy, where one Mary F. from Tennessee (who also enjoys crochet and mystery stories) offers up some lovely Spam Fettuccine Primavera! Bella! Bella Maria!

 

SPAM FETTUCCINE PRIMAVERA

“This is a recipe that I found in promotional cook booklet that different food companies put out. Since there were only 2 of us I cut the recipe in half, but goodness it still makes a lot. I think half would serve 4 or maybe even 6 with a salad and some dinner bread. I’m just listing the ingredients for 4 people. If you need to, it’s very easy to double this recipe. As the recipe was written, it used low-fat ingredients, but I didn’t have any. I cooked the veggies until they were almost fork tender. Prep time includes the cooking of veggies. This recipe is very easy on the pocketbook–with these ingredients it’s only .57 cents a serving, depending on if you use store brand items or items on sale. “

 

35 min 15 min prep

 

1/2	tablespoon butter or margarine
1	tablespoon self-rising flour
3/4	cup 2% low-fat milk
1/4	cup chicken broth
3/4	teaspoon dried basil
6	ounces fettuccine pasta
6	ounces Spam, cut into julienne strips
1/2 (16	ounce) package frozen broccoli carrots cauliflower mix
1/3	cup grated parmesan cheese, more if desired

 

 

1. Cook pasta according to package directions for al dente or until desired doneness is reached.
2. While pasta is cooking, over medium heat melt margarine in a small sauce pan.
3. Add flour and cook for 1 minute.
4. Stir in milk, chicken broth and basil.
5. Bring to a boil and stir constantly until thickened; keep warm.
6. Drain pasta return to pan and add vegetables, SPAM and sauce.
7. Cook and stir over medium high heat until heated through.
8. Stir in Parmesan cheese; sprinkle more Parmesan cheese over top if desired.
9. Serve and Enjoy!

********************************************************************************

Now let’s say “Arrivederci Roma” and soldier on to exotic India!

 

Bill Hilbrich of the not- as- exotic- as- India St. Cloud, Minnesota brings us yummy Curried Spam Pilaf. Bill is a self-proclaimed expert at “Cooking for One;” however, “this recipe can easily be doubled or quadrupled to feed a larger family.” That last part made me a little sad for Bill. I just imagine him draping his lonely cold kitchen table with a sari, and serving himself up this dish, praying that Vishnu will deliver some friends unto him.

 

 

Curried Spam Pilaf

 

35 min 5 min prep

 

1/2	cup Spam, diced
1/3	cup onions, diced
1 (7	ounce) can mushrooms, and the liquid
1/3	cup chicken broth
1/3	cup uncooked long grain rice
1	tablespoon butter
1	tablespoon olive oil
1/4	teaspoon black pepper
1/4	teaspoon curry powder

 

 

1. Add the olive oil and the butter to a hot 12 inch frying pan, that has a tight fitting lid, and sir until melted.
2. Add the onion and saute until transparent, followed by the drained mushrooms and continue to saute the mixture.
3. Add the spam and when it starts to brown, add the rice and stir until all the grains are covered in the oil/butter.
4. Add enough chicken broth to the liquid from the mushroom can to bring the total to 2/3 cup of liquid, pour into the pan.
5. Put on the cover, lower the heat to the minimum flame and let sit for 15 minutes.
6. Turn off the heat DO NOT PEEK and allow to sit for an additional 15 minutes.
7. Taste and adjust the flavors with the pepper.

******************************************************************************

Finally, let’s head to the home of the French Fry, that Spam-lovin’ pomme-fritte-opolis that is Paris! Qui n’aime pas le Spam? Pas moi! Tout le monde aime le Spam!

 

Let’s have some Cheesey Spam and French Fry Bake, mes petites choux!

 

This was posted by one “Jen” from New Jersey without a picture…so I will just use one of my boy Clark at the Eiffel Tower.

 

 

Cheesy Spam and French Fry Bake

40 min 40 min prep

 

1 (20	ounce) package frozen french fries
2	cups shredded cheddar cheese
2	cups sour cream
1 (10 3/4	ounce) can condensed cream of chicken soup
1 (12	ounce) can Spam, cubed
1/2	cup chopped red bell peppers
1/2	cup chopped green onions
1/2	cup finely crushed corn flakes

 

 

1. Heat oven to 350°F.
2. In large bowl, combine potatoes, cheese, sour cream, and soup; stir in SPAM, bell pepper, and green onion.
3. Spoon into 9 x 13″ baking dish. Sprinkle with crushed flakes.
4. Bake 30-40 minutes or until thoroughly heated.

I’m thinking it’s the corn flakes that give it just the right touch of crunch for a Continental flair.

 

Au revoir pour maintenant, amoureux de Spam !

Coming soon, we look at Spam from a more “American” perspective.

Click on the picture below to be taken to the official Spam page.

 

 

 

Jinger, Jenny, Jenny, Jinger, Jimmy, Jenny, Jenny, Jimmy

Well my stars and garters….guess who is knocked up again!

That’s right, friends, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are dropping another tyke like its hot. This makes SEVENTEEN, count ‘em, SEVENTEEN children to spring out of the terrifyingly fruitful loins of everyone’s favorite babymama.

Little Jenny will be born on July 27th. Michelle is having a c-section because the walls of her ladyparts are all callused up like a marathon runner’s feet, I would imagine.

Here is the press release…

Michelle Duggar said Monday in a telephone interview from her northwest Arkansas home that the whole family is excited about the arrival of the baby girl they will name Jennifer Danielle, keeping with the family tradition of giving the child a name that begins with J.

Jennifer Danielle is due July 27.

Duggar, 40, said she was doing fine with her latest pregnancy. Although she has gotten older since she had her first child at age 21, she said, she still has plenty of energy and only minor aches and pains.

“With each baby, God’s given me the grace and the energy to keep going, and they really keep you going,” she said. “I feel like a 20-year-old kid, but I’m realizing my body isn’t that 20-year-old. I don’t get up and play the games as hard as I used to, and I try to be a little more careful.”

Duggar said she and husband Jim Bob, a former state representative and U.S. senate candidate, view each phase of their children’s lives as an adventure.”

I feel for Michelle, really I do. She’s just so darn tired. Maybe there is someone out there who can be a wet nurse for her….

Giving the People What They Want, or, I am a Whore

Yesterday was the most popular day ever on this page.   There were over 175 individual hits to my little corner of the Internet, beat the previous record of 87 in one day quite soundly.  I can only imagine that it had something to do with yesterday’s product spotlight, the Ball-Lifter.  The previously most-looked at page was about international singing superstar, Wing.  Ergo, in order to keep my fan base happy, I am more than willing to keep on dishing out things you seem to like taking.

Wing

Balls

Wings

Balls

Ball with Wings

You’re welcome, America!

Useless Products I Really Need, Or, Why My Credit Card Bills are Higher Than My Rent: Chapter 13

OK, I am almost loathe to post this, but I cannot resist.  Some things you find, you just have to share with the world.

Fellas, I am sure one or two of you have walked into a room and thought to yourselves, “You know, selves, I bet everyone in this room would like me ten times more if my testicles were on more prominent display?”  Well, have I got a product for the two of you!  Plunk down $20.00 for the Ball-Lifter and give your luggage a lift!

According to the Manufacturer: 

Do you sometimes feel inadequate? Most men think they just are not big enough to fill out a pair of jeans or to wear a tight swimsuit. The fact is, size does not matter. Most flat packages are due to low-hangers. That’s right, for some men, their balls act as a natural step-ladder pushing their cock into the forefront, but for others, their balls hang low and often disappear between their legs, leaving a flat non-visible package. There are other products out there that try to solve this problem. There is the plastic penis cods-piece you place over your real penis, but that’s not too practical if you meet someone and want to take them home. There are cock-rings, but often that just pull your cock down between your legs along with your balls, often causing discomfort after any period of use. There are suspension jocks that lift the penis, but do nothing for the balls resulting in a not-so-full look. “Wonder” underwear, another enhancement product, gives you a fuller look but it’s not versatile enough to be worn with your swimwear or your current underwear.

The Ball Lifter solves all of these problems and lifts without any fancy contraptions or discomfort. A soft cloth elastic band rests under your balls, lifting them up and forward. This pushes your cock and balls forward, giving you a fuller package.

The best part is it’s all you! Don’t worry about intimate moments, there is nothing embarrassing about wearing the ball lifter, it’s sexy and hotter than a jock strap.

Once you wear it, you will never go without it!

Owner and proud wearer,
Tim Wildman

And before you ask….I am totally not making this up.  My personal favorite part….that there is nothing embarrassing about wearing the Ball-Lifter.  Really Tim?  Nothing?  Are you sure?

Why I Don’t Need This: Seriously, I don’t need it.  Really.

Why I Totally Need This: What is it that you don’t understand here? I said I don’t need it.  Just leave it at that, ok?

Suggested Retail Price: $16.00 for the regular model, $18.00 for the “sport” model (shown above) and $21.00 for the adjustable model, I guess for when you want you junk low for daytime, but high and proud for evening.

Also, for you fashion-forward saggers, the Ball-Flifter comes in colors…

 

 

Dusty Blue, Pale Pink, Desert Rose, and Sun.

 

I guess I would wear the Dusty Blue one with jeans and the Pale Pink for more formal occasions.

I’m Hungry!!!, or, Does This Ass Make My Pants Look Fat? Chapter Six

Hey, I want something Mexican! I don’t feel like going to Taco Bell, but I want something just as klassy and nutritionally sound. Well, if you have a loaf of white bread, some cheddar cheese (I am sure some home made Velveeta will do), and some taco seasoning, Christy M. from Fort Lee, New Jersey has the recipe for you!

Get your broilers heated up for some Taco Toast!

Now doesn’t that just look appealing? I’ll let Christy take it from here, because no amount of mocking on my part can top her sincerity about this South of the Border humdinger!

Taco Toast

1	loaf Texas toast thick bread
1/2	cup butter or margerine
1 1/4	ounces taco seasoning mix (like Taco Bell)
1-2	cup shredded cheddar cheese or colby-jack cheese (to personal preference)

 

*Note* Individual yields will vary, depending on the amount of butter you brush on each bread slice.

 

 

 

1. Pre heat oven 350.
2. Melt butter and stir in seasoning mix (you don’t have to use the whole packet if it’s too much spice for ya). Brush on both sides of bread.
3. Place on ungreased cookie sheet, and bake 5 minutes. Flip toasts and cheese ‘em up. Bake another 3 minutes, or until cheese is as melted or crunchy on top as you like.
4. Let cool a minute or two before serving. Serve with Mexican flavored Hamburger Helper (there are a few different flavors), with a Tex-Mex dish of your choosing, or as a snack dipped in salsa.

Yes, America, Christy makes this as a side dish for her Mexican flavored Hamburger Helper. Does that make it a Helper Helper? But it is also versatile and greasy enough to be eaten on its own.

 

Dare I serve this with the Mexican Mac and Cheese?

 

How long will I be in the bathroom after before someone sends a search party in?

 

“Aye Missy Christy, can I have some of your delicious toast?”