Take a Gander at This, or, Humiliating Your Lawn Ornaments

It takes a special person to truly appreciate lawn ornaments.  It takes an even more special one to display seasonal lawn ornaments.  I mean, think of the dedication and desire it takes to slog through the snow to change your “Santa Stop Here!” mini-banner to the more January-appropriate “Let it Snow!” one.  And then you have to go out and do it all over again for Valentine’s Day!

That is a commitment.

It used to be that people with fake plastic geese in their yards had it easy.  They chose a relatively low-maintenance yard decor.  You poked their little bird bodies in the yard and maybe hosed them off every once in a while.  No fuss.  No muss.

Until now.

The Miles Kimball company has decided you plastic bird lovers need to get with the holiday program.  No longer shall your neighbors be content with your lowly naked geese.  Perk up!  Get with the program!  Outfit those geese in the most fantastic, humiliating ways imaginable!

Sure, some of you may want to go minimalist and just put a name plate around your goose’s neck like those tacky Wilsons did here…

That’s just lazy, though.  Here are just a few of the holiday-themed outfits for your lawn geese the seamstresses at Miles Kimball have cooked up just for you…

Thanksgiving

Fourth of July

St. Patricks Day

Halloween

Now there are some days that are not commonly celebrated, but fret not!  Miles has you covered!

Hawaiian Statehood Day (August 21st)

Elvis's Death Day (August 16th)

Red Hat Society Day (April 25th)

Finally, Miles offers us two different ways to celebrate Christmas.

First, you can go more secular with these Santa-inspired get ups…

Or you can choose to get all Biblical with the event and dress your geese up like Mary and Joseph.  Please note the Baby Jesus Goose swaddled in Mary’s wing….

Be careful though, Goose-Dressing Enthusiasts…if you embarrass  your geese too much, they might be forced into the Lawn Ornament Witness Relocation  Program (LOWRP) disguised as entirely different lawn decor!

How You Found Me, or, Elizabeth Berkley Still has a Lot of Fans

In case any of you were curious, I get about 50 or so unique hits a day here at Stone Cold Stump.  I find this incredible, as I don’t think I could name 50 people I actually know off the top of my head.  And I would probably only like about 10 of them, if that.

I have to say though, to all of you people out there who wind up reading what I have to say on here without the benefit of ever having met me….  I love you most of all.  You mean the world to me.  Really you do.  And in tribute to you all, I would like to present a list of my most favorite words and phrases you have used in Google, Yahoo or any other search engine to find me.

I’m so glad we’ve had this time together.  And here is what brought us together, my adoring and adorable fans.

1. Slicing cock balls frying

2. Lanie Kazan

3. Judge Judy Tupperware Case

4. Duggar Crazy Bitch (Testify, Brother!)

5. Hot Wet Nurse (I get this one a lot)

6. Useless Jacklyn Smith (aww…come on…not nice)

7. Ball Lifter Cock Rings (Like Chanel…always in style and popular)

8. Does South Beach Skin Solution sell in Iowa? (my first Ask Jeeves question)

9. Chrysler Me For Twelve (I hope you found what you were looking for…)

10. Ghetto Hot Dog Maker (I know you found what you were looking for!)

11. Spam Meat Recipies

12. Brent Stump (Now you people scare me!)

13. Crushed Spam Feet Pix (Dirty!)

14. Paris Hilton Spaghetti

And my personal favorites….

15. Lightup Sexy Cornhole

16. People’s Court “PeePee in the Primer” (You, sir or madam, are my new best friend!)

Still popular after all this time, Elizabeth Berkley, Asian Chantuse Wing, and Bai Ling.

Anyways.  Thanks again for making me feel so special.  I hope some of you who found me in some obtuse way have stuck around (except you Mr. Crushed Spam Feet Pix…you have issues.)

xoxo

StoneColdStump

Japanese people are lucky, or, Where’s LaToya?

In case you didn’t know, I do love me some TV. Right now, I am exploding with anticipation over the return of “So, You Think You Can Dance.” Not so much for the actual competition itself, but because the ads seem to indicate that the best SYTYCD contestant ever is returning.

Yes, friends, SEX is back…

Let me just say, without a hint of double entendre, “I Love Sex.” Sex should be on more shows. Perhaps an episode of CSI:Miami in which Sex is suspected of murdering a particularly nubile beach bunny with only his scintillating dance moves. Click on Sex’s picture above to see his homemade dance video. It is stunning it it awesomosity.

Now back to my point. (Sex has a way of getting me off track.) The only place in the world I imagine has better TV options than the U.S. of A. is Japan. It seems like they always have the best damn shows. Of course, it may be because I understand not a lick of what anyone may be saying at any given time. It just adds to the mystique.

Anyhoo, the following is a clip from some Japanese game show, I think. In my brain, I think people are supposed to sing along to music videos while made up to look like the actual celebrities. Hell, it could be a meeting of Japanese parliament. Who am I to say? All I know is that this show is scary in its brilliance. Were it on my TV, I would watch it eating a big box of Nilla Wafers whilst basking in the joyousness of it all. I would have to be careful as the force of all that giddiness might knock me off my couch.

Here, friends and foes, is a group of Japanese people (many in black face) singing “We Are the World.”

I have to say, that Diana Ross impersonator has her down. Billy Joel, not so much.

I have to ask again, though…

Where’s LaToya?

Brava, Bravo, or, Things I Will Be Doing this Summer While Others Swim and Stuff

Well, today is a banner day. Next to Christmas and my birthday, I can think of few more exciting times to be alive than the day Bravo announces is Summer schedule.

I will be the first to admit that I am totally Bravo’s bitch. They can pretty much put on whatever they want and I will at least give it a go. As proof, I will fully admit to being one of the four actual viewers of not only the woeful “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl” (which might have been the worst spin off of a popular show since “Flo”), but also the faketastic video cheez waffle that was “Welcome to the Parker.” I am pretty sure that there is not going to be a second season of “WTTP ” (as not one soul calls it) because the owners of the Parker Hotel thought the better of the American public thinking their establishment was completely staffed and inhabited by the mentally infirm.

Not to say that I am the most loyal bitch. I gave up on Work Out and The Real(ish) Housewives of Orange County/New York after year one. But I try.

Right now I am completely devoted to Step It Up and Dance Exclamation Point. It is hostessed by the latest and greatest version of the Bravo Hostessing Fembot(tm) Elizabeth “Jesse Spano /Nomi Malone” Berkeley.

Oh, how I do love her and her dead-inside stare. She is the perfect addition to the Bravo Hostessing Fembot(tm) stable which includes Padma (BollyBot), Jacklyn Smith (MILFBot), Heidi Klum (FrauBot), and Todd Oldham (BoyBot). She makes me so excited, so excited, so….so….. SCARED! Click on Elizabeth’s picture above to see her finest hour.

Anyways, now back to the fulcrum of my gist. The new Bravo schedule. There will be another edition of Top Chef (apparently they found a new cell of fauxhawked lesbians who can fry a chicken), new editions of the Houswives (this time adding the potentially interesting Real Housewives of New Jersey, I shit you not), Millionaire Matchmaker, Shear Genius, and Million Dollar Listing.

Those are are well and good, but I was most excited by three shows, two returning and one brand-spanking new. First off, and probably most exciting, it was announced that crazy-ass Jeff Lewis will be back for another round of Flipping Out. This news filled me up like a hug from Jesus.

I’m not sure. I might be 50% happy to see Jeff, 40% happy to see Zoila, and 10% happy to see all of the houses. If Zoila isn’t on, I will be 65% happy to see Jeff, 15% happy to see the houses, and 20% happy to see his assistant. If Zoila is on, but the cute assistant is gone, but her husband is there, I will be… blah, blah, blah. Click on Jeff’s picture above if you missed Jeff’s special brand of lunacy and have no clue what I am talking about.

Second of all, I am pleased that Top Design will be back for another go-round. Not so much because it is an entertaining show (which it barely is), but because it has the most whackadoodly judging staff ever seen on any television show ever. Each one more insane then the last.

From left to right, we have kooky designer of kooky tchochkes Jonathan Adler. Then there is Intererior Designer/Playboy Playmate/Crimping Iron Accident Survivor Kelly Wearstler. Finally, we have my favorite, Margaret Russell of Elle Decor who is the human incarnation of the word “pinched.” She looks at everything in the room like it might have just been dipped in cat urine. I enjoy her thoroughly. She also completes the Hachette Publications Sourpuss Ediatrix Triumvirate of Nina Garrrrcia of Elle (maybe) and Gail Simmons of Food & Wine. If only they had action figures…

Finally, I am most excited by the prospects of a new show starring Shear Genius should-have-been winner Tabatha Coffey. Tabatha will always have a special place in my heart for teaching me the acronym “FIG JAM” (Fuck I’m Good, Just Ask Me) and for being genuinely frightening at all times. Scary Tabatha will be hostessing something called “Salon Takeover” in which she travels the globe intimidating salon owners into having better business practices. I couldn’t give a flying FIG JAM about the plot of the show, as I would watch her back comb a moose.

Activist Debbie Reynolds, or, what I am Obsessed With Today

I have no clue how I found this.

But I have watched it four times in the past 10 minutes.

Watch it with me again, won’t you?

Let’s all ponder.

What EXACTLY was the motivation for all of this?

Say what you want, but that boy in there can spin like the dickens!

She Probably Had Brunch at Paula Deen’s

That ladies’ brunch will get you every time….

From KCTV5 in Kansas City:

Woman Spent 2 Years On Toilet

Boyfriend: She Wanted To Stay

NESS CITY, Kan. — A 35-year-old woman who apparently spent two years in her boyfriend’s bathroom in Ness City had become stuck to the toilet seat, authorities said Wednesday.”She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body. It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself,” Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said in a telephone interview, adding that it appeared her body fat had grown attached to the seat.Authorities planned to present their report to the county attorney later Wednesday to see if any charges should be filed against her 36-year-old boyfriend, Whipple said.The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that “there was something wrong with his girlfriend,” Whipple said, adding he never explained why it took him two years to call.

He said the boyfriend had brought the woman food and water during the two years and told investigators he asked her daily to come out of the bathroom.”And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,”‘ Whipple said. “According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom.”The house had another bathroom he could use.Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh as if she was using the toilet. Her legs looked like they had atrophied, he said.”She was sitting on the toilet and was somewhat disoriented,” Whipple said. “She said that she didn’t need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave.”She refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out. She was taken to a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City, where she is listed in fair condition.

Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.”We pried the toilet seat off with a prybar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.”Authorities said they did not know if she was developmentally disabled.Police have declined to release the couple’s names, but the house where authorities say the incident happened is listed in public records as the residence of Kory McFarren. No one answered his home phone number.

A neighbor, James Ellis, told The Associated Press that he had known the woman since she was a child but said he had not seen her for at least six years.He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up.”It really doesn’t surprise me,” Ellis said of the bathroom incident. “What surprises me is somebody wasn’t called in a bit earlier.At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.The case has been the buzz of this western Kansas town.

“I don’t think anybody can make any sense out of it,” Ellis said.

Trust me. I can make perfect sense of it.

I have eaten at Hoss’s.

Twelve Angry D-Listers, or, What is Clogging Up my TiVo Today

Lordy, how I do love court shows. When we meet up, ask me to do my word-for-word re-inactments of my favorite Judge Judy episodes (right now I am torn between the lady who sued her former landlord because she beaned her with some TupperWare and the gripping donnybrook that resulted from two pretty little Alabama gals having too much to drink at an Iron Bowl party.) I am also partial to an exciting episode of The People’s Court in which a painting contractor fired his assistant without pay because, and I quote in my best Desi Arnaz voice, “He peepee! He peepee in the primer! He peepee in the primer!”

Ah, good times.

Anyhoo, imagine my joy when Tammy, the second of my two TiVo children, began recording something called “Jury Duty.” Let me tell you, there is some serious stuff going on here, kids. As it turns out, Titan Media decided that what was missing from the already crowded courtroom show arena was a show with a jury. But not just any jury, a jury of celebrity superstars.

Unfortunately, Titan couldn’t rustle up many superstars. Instead, they wound up with people like Bruce Jenner (who now looks like a lesbian dried apple doll), former token busty African-American lifeguard Traci Bingham, barely cognizant comedy legend Phyllis Diller, Asiatic lollapalooza/shoplifter Bai Ling, and JM J. Bullock (whose first episode should have been “The Case of the Missing “I”). Throw in occasional visits by Lanie Kazan and the guy who played the mean coach in Karate Kid, and you have yourself a show, kids!

I know, some of you think I am making this crap up. Oh, but I am not.

Jury Duty is currently running on CW11 out of New York. If it is not available in your area, call your cable company immediately and threaten a lawsuit of your own. In the meantime, you may watch entire episodes of the show by clicking on the picture of Judge Bruce Cutler (of Phil Spector trial fame) below….

Personally, I would think this is pretty low-level, but maybe when Titan gathers up enough cash, the can start Celebrity Superior Court, where someone like Debra Messing or James Woods could overturn the decisions reached by JM, Lanie, and Tiffany.  And then if it still doesn’t work out, the case could be bumped right up to Celebrity Supreme Court for the final decisions of George Clooney and Madonna.

Just a thought.

Useless Products I Really Need, or, Why my Credit Card Bills are Higher than my Rent, Chapter 15

I am sure you all are now starving for doughnuts after reading about Paula Deen’s Ladies’ Brunch Burgers. I know I sure am! I wish I could have a nice, piping-hot wad of dough right now. Right here at my desk. NOW!

Well, thanks to the fine folks at Dough-Nu-Matic, I can! And so can you!

According to the Manufacturer: The Dough-Nu-Matic automatically forms, fries and drains delectable mini-doughnuts in just 50 seconds! Great for large parties and ideal for fundraisers since this machine makes easy-to-sell treats for pennies apiece. Makes a dozen doughnuts in under six minutes. Just add dough and the Dough-Nu-Matic does the rest. Enclosed oil fryer keeps cleanup to a minimum. Dials adjust cooking temperature.

Why I Don’t Need It: Years ago, I asked for a bread machine for Christmas. My mother refused because, and I quote, “You would never leave your room except to buy flour and butter.” Same goes for the Dough-Nu-Matic. Richard Simmons would have to come with a team of carpenters to cut me out of my apartment. It would be very unpretty.

Why I Totally Need It: I think I will suspend mine over my couch so that the warm, tasty doughnuttiness would fall right into my mouth while I watched old episodes of CSI:Miami. How dreamy would that be? Seriously?

Suggested Retail Price: $129.99 (It may sound steep at first, but it literally cuts your annual doughnut budget down to mere pennies) at Skymall.com.

Click on the picture above to see the Dough-Nu-Matic in action!

Big Girl, You Are Beautiful, or, Paula Deen Makes Brunch for the Ladies

Sunday morning, I was completely minding my own business, watching TV and eating cereal (as I do just about every Sunday morning.)  There was nothing of interest on either of my TiVos, except for one of my favorite old Law & Order: Criminal Intents (oooooh….creepy Santeria cult).  So I was forced to watch live, actual television.  Anyone out there who has a TiVo knows just how painful that can be.

So, I turn on the Food Network just in time to watch everyones favorite deep-fried butterball, Paula Deen making what she called “a brunch for ladies.”

What do you think ladies like to eat for brunch?

Delicate watercress sandwiches with the crusts cut off?

Dainty tea cakes served on doilies?

Nah!

You know what ladies like?

Ladies like Bacon Burgers served on Glazed Doughnuts.

I shit you not, my friends.

And just in case your doctor has cautioned you about the lack of cholesterol in your diet, Paula throws in a nice friend egg to top it all off.

Here is the recipe for all my ladies….

Paula’s Ladies’ Brunch Burger

1 1/2 pounds ground beef
3 tablespoons freshly chopped parsley leaves
2 tablespoons grated onion
House Seasoning, recipe follows
2 tablespoons butter
3 eggs
6 slices bacon, cooked
3 hamburger buns
3 English muffins
6 glazed donuts

Mix the ground beef, chopped parsley and grated onion together in a large mixing bowl. Season liberally, with House Seasoning. Form 3 hamburger patties.

Heat a large cast iron skillet over medium-high heat and spray with non-stick cooking spray. Add the burgers and cook until desired temperature, 4 to 5 minutes per side for medium-rare.

Fry bacon in a hot pan until crisp. Remove and drain on paper towels. Set aside.

While burgers are cooking, heat a non-stick pan, over medium heat. Add 2 tablespoons butter. Crack 3 eggs into the pan. Cook until the yolks are just set and still slightly runny and remove.

Place burger patties on English muffins or buns, and if desired, on glazed donuts, as the buns. Top each burger with 2 pieces of bacon and a fried egg.

I guess the spare hamburger buns and English muffins are for the less “ladylike” ladies.  Or the bitches who showed up late for your brunch.  Personally, I like think Paula might serve this  like that idiotic  Turducken  monstrosity that people  are rumored to eat at Thanksgiving.   She could put the burger, bacon, and egg on the doughnut, then fry the whole thing in butter, slap it inside and English muffin, dip it in mayonnaise, put the whole thing in a hamburger bun and then deep fry it.

Delicious, no?

Yum!

Useless Products I Really Need, or, Why my Credit Card Bills are Higher than my Rent, Chapter 14

Just in time for Valentine’s Day!

Have you ever been looking at your vagina or anus and said to yourself, “Self, I am getting a little dingy down there. My vagina and/or anus just don’t look as pristine as it/they once did. Where is the shine and gleam I used to associate with my poop chute?” Well, thank goodness, South Beach Skin Solutions has the answer for you…

South Beach Lightening Gel for Sensitive Areas!

According to the Manufacturer:

We all want to look our best. Especially in the most intimate areas of our bodies! Now you can with South Beach Skin Solutions™.

Discoloration of the anal, vaginal, genital and other intimate areas can be caused by aging, hormonal changes from pregnancy and other changes in your body. However, there wasn’t a consumer product truly suitable for use in these sensitive intimate areas. Until now!

Sometimes referred to as anal or vaginal bleaching, our Lightening Gel for Sensitive Areas is all-natural and specifically formulated for lightening the skin of the intimate areas. Our advanced formula does NOT contain harsh chemicals such as Hydroquinone found in cheap drug store lighteners! Instead, we feature gentle, effective lightening agents that won’t irritate or produce side effects.

• All-Natural, Gentle & Non Irritating
• No Hydroquinone or Kojic Acid
• No Alcohol, Perfumes, Dyes or Parabens
• Absorbs Quickly & Dries Completely Clean
• Money Back Guarantee

Don’t be fooled by other products claiming to be for anal bleaching. Ours is the ONLY product created specifically for use in intimate areas. And it can be used in the comfort of your own home!

Yes, Gentle Reader, do NOT be fooled by other products claiming to be for anal bleaching! This is the real deal! Restore the charm to your corn hole! Repave the Hershey Highway! Glam up your bunghole! Make your asshole shine like the top of the Chrysler Building!

Why I do not need it: Quite frankly, I’m not sure if I do or don’t. If it gets to shiny, you might need to wear reflective drawers.

Why I totally need it: An excellent gift. Just excellent.

Suggested Retail Price: $49.95 for two ounces. No shit.

Click on the tube above to be whisked away to South Beach….